I got my first Halloween with my baby girl. I remember thinking about this day after the boys died and how much I wanted to see my child dressed up for Halloween. We didn’t take her out because it was wet and cold but she was dressed up all day for school and she loved seeing the kids dressed up when they came to the door. She’s 10 months old. I can’t believe it. She’s 10 months old.
It seems like I just had her. I waited so long for her and the time is just moving so quickly – too quickly. I want time to stop so I can just look at her. I try not to look forward or backward but try to live in the moment now. Previously, when I would look at her, a tiny voice would creep in and ask, “is that what the boys would have looked like at 6, 9, 10 months…” I try not to get caught up in the day-to-day grind. It’s so easy to come home and deal with the “have-tos…” You know what, the schmidt will get done when it gets done. I just try and live for today. Oherwise, I get so incredibly sad to think about her brothers who aren’t here. I’m still struck by how painful the loss pulls at me 3 years later. In contrast, I’m so happy, grateful, blessed, ecstatic to be Zoey’s Mommy.
Here’s my little giraffe: