Christmas 2007 was filled with such excitement and joy. I announced our pregnancy to Hubby with a pair of baby booties as an early Christmas gift (only one pair, I didn’t know they were twins until about a month later). We were outted to our family by the inability to get Lasik…we stayed home to enjoy our last Christmas, “just the two of us…”
Christmas 2008 was filled with sadness and anger and depression.
Christmas 2009 was filled with sadness and hope.
Christmas 2010 was filled with trepidation, anticipation and anxiety. In just 3 days I would hopefully have my healthy little girl safe and sound. We were on the lookout for any bleeding that could signal an emergency trip to the hospital. My name was on a helicopter transport list – Dr. Hot Rockstar would deliver my little girl if he had to snow ski through Chapel Hill to do it.
Christmas 2011 is filled with joy and gratefulness and still a little sadness. I have my little girl. She’s perfect and I love her so much. I miss my boys. I’m lucky and grateful but I’m still a lost baby mama. This year we can’t afford to make our usual donations honoring the boys so I organized a quick toy drive at work for Toys for Tots. I’ve gotten a ton of donations and that makes it a little easier. I reminded Hubby last night that eventhough we can’t buy each other gifts, there isn’t anything else I need…I have him, Zoey and the dogs (well, honestly, I could use a new nursing bra – this one is poking me like crazy!!).
I’m lucky, I know it.
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December 15, 2011 at 9:08 pm
Kelly
There are experiences that will just never leave you. Memories of holidays are certainly in that category. I’m glad you have reached the point where the first part of your description is about joy and gratefulness. The little bit of sadness will probably always be there, but I am glad it is being outweighed by the happy stuff this year.
December 16, 2011 at 1:14 pm
Amy
Christmas is full of mixed emotions for us too. It was Christmas 2006 we concieved Liam. i think we are both still bitter at Santa for not letting us keep our most precious gift. Christmas 2007 was bleak, grief filled and empty. Christmas 2008 we tried to embrace what we had and threw open our doors to friends and family … it was better. Christmas 2009 we celebrated once again with friends. Christmas 2010 … neither of us in a good place and I don’t really remember. This year is finally filled with Hope and I’m leaving Santa out of it.
Glad you found a way to honor the boys even though finances are tight. You honor them everyday with your love.
(((hugs)))