My Aunt, who I spoke about yesterday, met me after my appointment today (everything is great, normal, on schedule, on track – it’s weird).  We were talking about the normalness of this pregnancy and how people in my life have been handling the impending arrival of Baby Girl.  Aunt G said something to me that made me take a breath, she said:

“TRUST me, you, your mom & I did not have a “normal” bring wonderful children into the world experiences the first time around.  We will over indulge and love every minute of it….we are definitely ENTITLED.  People in your life who hurt with you when you lost the boys are entitled to a little joy with Baby Girl.”*

Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful that Baby Girl is healthy and kicking all the time but as some point, I’ve figured out that I deserve this and I deserve to be her mom.  Hell, everyone reading this blog deserves to have a child and be a mom or dad – by whatever means!  But I think my aunt’s comment made me realize that I’m entitled to smile like a jackass in the middle of line at Target and look around at all the people around me and say, “she’s kicking me.  It’s awesome.” (So what if they didn’t ask and don’t care and I end up in Dorothea Dix Mental Hospital.  Oh well).

Guess the point of this post is that I’ve fought like hell to enjoy this pregnancy, to make myself believe that she will be here, alive, screaming and healthy in January.  I’ve taken medication daily to function for my sanity and for her well-being.  I’ve gone to therapy, I know what triggers fear and anxiety and I avoid those things.  I’ve talked about being pregnant with people instead of pretending it’s not happening.

I think what I’m feeling is happy.  Oh shit.  It’s been so long, I’ve forgotten what happy feels like.  Well, I’m entitled, right?

*I am not so self-centered to think that the birth of Baby Girl will be a ground moving experience for everyone but Aunt G is right, there are people in my life who’ve literally held their breath, held my hand, or held me throughout the past 28 weeks.  They are entitled too.