I set up my “Surviving Baby” blog after I lost one of my twin boys in March of 2008.  I thought I would write about what it was it was like to be expecting twins and then lose one, how I would deal with the single baby boy when I was supposed to come home from the hospital with two babies – hence the name “Surviving Baby.”  He was the baby that survived.  Best laid plans, right?  My second baby boy was born still on April 8th, 2008 at 22 weeks.  The title of the blog took on a whole new meaning.  I was surviving having babies that I didn’t get to bring home from the hospital.  I was surviving the insensitive things that people do and say to you when your babies have died.  I was surviving the deafening silence from people who love me dearly but have no clue how to stop the pain and would give anything to do so.  I was surviving grieving differently from my amazingly wonderful husband and being okay with that.  I was surviving the process of wanting to have another baby (I don’t say “trying to have another baby” because I didn’t fail the first time). 

I was surviving multiple miscarriages and the knowledge that I will continue to miscarry until…I didn’t.

So, what happened to “Surviving Baby”?  I openly wrote about some things that were really bothering me and my Hubby read them and it hurt him deeply.  I closed that blog in November of 2009.  I thought I could exist without writing down my feelings but I can’t.  So, I created “A Watched Belly Never Grows.”

In May of 2010, I peed on a stick for 900th time and it was positive.  A week later, I peed on it again and it was still positive.  This went on for another 2 weeks until I finally said to Hubby, “I think we might have a keeper here.”

And what a keeper she is.  Her name is Zoey and she’s perfect.  She was born screaming at the end of December.  But I came to the realization that it naive to think that having her would make it all hurt less.  I’m grateful and lucky and I know it but I’m still the surviving mother of dead twin boys.  Not even the most beautiful girl in the world changes that scar.

This is my new life and it’s good.

Advertisements