I set up my “Surviving Baby” blog after I lost one of my twin boys in March of 2008. I thought I would write about what it was it was like to be expecting twins and then lose one, how I would deal with the single baby boy when I was supposed to come home from the hospital with two babies – hence the name “Surviving Baby.” He was the baby that survived. Best laid plans, right? My second baby boy was born still on April 8th, 2008 at 22 weeks. The title of the blog took on a whole new meaning. I was surviving having babies that I didn’t get to bring home from the hospital. I was surviving the insensitive things that people do and say to you when your babies have died. I was surviving the deafening silence from people who love me dearly but have no clue how to stop the pain and would give anything to do so. I was surviving grieving differently from my amazingly wonderful husband and being okay with that. I was surviving the process of wanting to have another baby (I don’t say “trying to have another baby” because I didn’t fail the first time).
I was surviving multiple miscarriages and the knowledge that I will continue to miscarry until…I didn’t.
So, what happened to “Surviving Baby”? I openly wrote about some things that were really bothering me and my Hubby read them and it hurt him deeply. I closed that blog in November of 2009. I thought I could exist without writing down my feelings but I can’t. So, I created “A Watched Belly Never Grows.”
In May of 2010, I peed on a stick for 900th time and it was positive. A week later, I peed on it again and it was still positive. This went on for another 2 weeks until I finally said to Hubby, “I think we might have a keeper here.”
And what a keeper she is. Her name is Zoey and she’s perfect. She was born screaming at the end of December. But I came to the realization that it naive to think that having her would make it all hurt less. I’m grateful and lucky and I know it but I’m still the surviving mother of dead twin boys. Not even the most beautiful girl in the world changes that scar.
This is my new life and it’s good.
13 comments
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February 23, 2010 at 9:07 pm
athena
password please!! 😀 (emily)
March 4, 2010 at 1:02 am
Mary
Hi. I know I don’t know you, but could I please have the password?
April 30, 2010 at 2:19 pm
curlsofred
I’m your people. I’d be interested in your password if you’d be ok with that. Thanks.
May 10, 2010 at 9:01 pm
Ashley
Is there anyway I could send you an email? I have a dear friend who lost her baby last week after carrying overdue 2.5 weeks. I have no idea what to do/say and i need help!!Please!
May 12, 2010 at 3:20 am
Laura
Would it be possible to have your password? I feel like you do after losing my baby at 20 weeks.
June 5, 2010 at 2:45 pm
Maricel
Hi Martha! I’ve stopped blogging for such a long time and just now, I decided to pay wordpress another visit. I clicked on your blog and found out you’ve stopped writing there. I lost you at Facebook but found you again at wordpress. May I have the password on your new blog. Thanks so much!- Maricel (Philippines)
June 22, 2010 at 1:31 pm
sweetsalty kate
Martha – I’d like to get in touch and thought I had your email, but I don’t. Would you mind shooting me an email? Thank you! sweetsaltykate(at)gmail.com.
xo Kate
July 2, 2010 at 5:02 pm
Kara Boone
I’m glad your still writing. I know that I don’t blog as much but it helps so much when I do. Hugs
October 2, 2011 at 12:28 pm
Jessica
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am thrilled…Zoey? Yay! Wow…I love updates like these….I am just so very happy for you….and yes you are right…the scar will never go away…
December 1, 2011 at 1:53 am
Gabby
I just wanted to know i think you are an amazing writer. Everything you are saying is so very true. Its nice to know someone else under stands.
January 19, 2012 at 3:02 am
Stacey
I used to follow your Surviving Baby blog and lost track of you after you stopped writing there. I’ve stumbled upon your blog and am delighted to discover that you have a daughter! Very belated congratulations. This makes my heart very, very happy.
January 19, 2012 at 1:41 pm
mkwewer
Thank you!
January 8, 2013 at 4:04 am
Emily
I’m your people…very new to the club I read your Surviving Baby bolg and found it beyond comforting to see my recent life in your words. When I saw this I was so happy for you and encouraged! If you are still posting to this blog and willing to share the password I would love to read on.