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That phrase could apply to about 10 times in my life…since I showered alone (without a little human chatting outside the curtain), since I had a hair cut (OMG, it’s long and scraggly), since I went on a date with Hubby (bad, bad parents), since I could friviliously blow money on something…anything…a new sweater…makeup…(finances are still not recovered)…well you get the point but mainly I wanted to say that it’s been a while since I posted…I’ve been working on Exhale Magazine.  If you don’t know it, read here.

I wouldn’t trade this for anything.  Not one thing.  I didn’t sleep well last night because Zoey didn’t sleep well.  I did get frustrated with her and have spent most of this morning beating myself up over it.  Would I trade my life with her and Hubby for all the sleep in the world?  Absolutely not.  

Zoey’s 1st birthday is in 16 days.  I can’t believe it.  Oh My Dog, do I love that little tiny girl…

On a more personal note, my milk supply is decreasing.  I noticed about a week ago that I wasn’t able to pump as much during the day.  I’ve been worried that Zoey has not been satisfied with feedings and it seems prehaps I was right.  When she woke up last night, she seemed really fussy but more like hungry fussy.  It was definitely a hunger cry.  Hubby gave her 3 ounces of formula and she was sound asleep.  I guess I need to pump more and supplement.  Could this be the end of the boob?  Sigh.  I love nursing her to sleep….

Last night I did something I swore I would never do….I got frustrated with Zoey.  She’s been sick with a cold (or she’s teething) and the combination of trying to crawl/cruise/walk has made my normal sleep-through-the-night baby wake up at 2:30 and 4 every morning for the last 3 nights.  Last night, she refused to go to sleep at her normal bedtime of 8pm.  Finally, at 9pm, after nursing her, reading to her, rocking her, singing to her, and then lather, rinse, repeat!  I snatched her up, cradled her in my arms and snapped, “GO. TO. SLEEP” and proceeded to to the bounce and walk from many months earlier…finally she settled down to go to sleep only to pop back up at 2:30, wide awake and ready to play…sigh…

I was so upset with myself that I snapped at her…I cherish every second I have with her because 3 days a week she’s with daycare and 2 days a week she’s with Hubby…I get her after work and on the weekends and I hate to think that time is spent growling at her because she’s tired…she can’t help it, she’s a baby! 

And she’s my only living child.  I know my experience as a baby lost mama makes me have a heightened sense of consciousness when it comes to spending time with her and trying to do right by her…I feel like I have more than my fair share of “the feeling guilties…”  I remember before Zoey was born but after the boys died, I would watch people with their kids.  I would see some dad scream at his child and think, “do you not understand how lucky you are?  Why would you scream at that child?  He’s alive and living and you are so fucking lucky you don’t even know!!!”  I think I even wrote about it on Surviving Baby…

I know, I know, get over it…it won’t be the last time I snap but by dog, I hated myself more when I dropped her at school this morning…

I need a glass of wine…