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I remember what it was like to hate this time of year.  From Halloween to New Years, I was angry and sad and tired.  Facebook is rough for the “fertility-challenged.” 

Now that I have Zoey, I am guilty of posting every single minute of her wonderfulness (if you are Facebook friends with me, you know this is no exaggeration).  Part of this is because I have several friends and famly members who cannot, for the life of them, download a picture or video.  If it’s not done for them, they are confused…there are phone calls that make me want to pull my hair out (“the screen has a funny icon on it…”  sigh….)  Facebook is an easy medium to share pics.

That being said, I’m sorry that this causes pain.  I know what that is like.  I’ve tried to be more sensitive to this and will do better.

I’m still a lostbabymama too…

Christmas 2007 was filled with such excitement and joy.  I announced our pregnancy to Hubby with a pair of baby booties as an early Christmas gift (only one pair, I didn’t know they were twins until about a month later).  We were outted to our family by the inability to get Lasik…we stayed home to enjoy our last Christmas, “just the two of us…”

Christmas 2008 was filled with sadness and anger and depression.

Christmas 2009 was filled with sadness and hope.

Christmas 2010 was filled with trepidation, anticipation and anxiety.  In just 3 days I would hopefully have my healthy little girl safe and sound.  We were on the lookout for any bleeding that could signal an emergency trip to the hospital.  My name was on a helicopter transport list – Dr. Hot Rockstar would deliver my little girl if he had to snow ski through Chapel Hill to do it.

Christmas 2011 is filled with joy and gratefulness and still a little sadness.  I have my little girl.  She’s perfect and I love her so much.  I miss my boys.  I’m lucky and grateful but I’m still a lost baby mama.  This year we can’t afford to make our usual donations honoring the boys so I organized a quick toy drive at work for Toys for Tots.  I’ve gotten a ton of donations and that makes it a little easier.  I reminded Hubby last night that eventhough we can’t buy each other gifts, there isn’t anything else I need…I have him, Zoey and the dogs (well, honestly, I could use a new nursing bra – this one is poking me like crazy!!). 

I’m lucky, I know it.