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So I went to the new Guy-nee…unbeknownst to me, she recently left UNC Hospitals to move to this practice closer to her home.  She asked about which practice I was with there.  When I told her Maternal Fetal Medicine, she seemed shocked that I would need the high risk group.  Then the nurse did a history.  Of course she asked all of the questions that I dreaded and of course, I didn’t fit into any of the usual boxes.  I tried to keep it light.  Finally, she said, “I don’t know how to put that information into the computer so I will ask the doctor and come back.”

Yeah, well, I’m still trying to figure out how to put that information in my head so when you figure it out…let me know.  Words like “stillbirth,” “miscarriage,” “I’m sorry, I’m not finding a heartbeat…” they don’t compute easily, even after nearly 4 years.

Other than that, it went fine.  The doctor asked if I was on birth control…I laughed for a good minute or so and said, “no…”  She said, “oh, you figure if it happens, it happens?” 

Ah, no.  I figure if it happens AND sticks it will be a Christmas/Hannukah/New Years/Valentine’s Day/etc. miracle (seeing as how we finally have a living child, we only seem to “do it” on holidays….)

I think my 3 children are enough….

 

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You know when you read something and you think, “exactly, that’s it, right there.”  The post over at Glow In the Woods is like that for me.  The author writes about feeling mute as she goes into the birth of her third child after losing her first at 41 weeks. 

In some ways, I feel like I don’t have a right to write about being happy.  I feel like my blog still needs to be able the boys and that if I don’t write about them, I’m so how dishonoring them.  It’s hard because I have a gorgeous, perfect little girl and I still miss my boys.  My boys would have have been 3 on August 8th.  Three years old.  More often than not, I think, what the hell happened that I DON’T have 3 year old twins.  I think that before Zoey, I didn’t really know what I was missing, only that I was missing something.  Now, when she smiles and giggles and laughs, sometimes, I think, “God, that’s what I missed with Joshua and Owen.”  I thought that having her would make all the pain go away.  It didn’t.  It only makes the joy that much more intense.

It’s like a dish at a Chinese restaurant…sweet and sour joy and sadness.

 

My boys would have been 3 years old today.

What would today have been like if they hadn’t died?

I love you little boys.  Thanks for giving me your sister.

Love,

Mommy

Baby Boys:

Tomorrow would be your second birthday.  This year feels different for obvious reasons.  It’s a different kind of hurt knowing that you would be 2 and there are all these changes happening that you aren’t here for. 

Bottom line is I miss you both terribly and nothing will change that.  Ever.  You will forever be part of my heart, my soul, my existence.

I love you,

Mommy

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I’m MK from www.Survivingbaby.wordpress.com.

I closed that blog in November and thought I could exist not writing down my thoughts but I can’t.  All posts here will be password protected.  Email me if want the password. 

My story is long and drawn out and exhausting to tell.  I would refer you to my old blog for the details.  And, no, I still won’t tell you their names.