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So I went to the new Guy-nee…unbeknownst to me, she recently left UNC Hospitals to move to this practice closer to her home.  She asked about which practice I was with there.  When I told her Maternal Fetal Medicine, she seemed shocked that I would need the high risk group.  Then the nurse did a history.  Of course she asked all of the questions that I dreaded and of course, I didn’t fit into any of the usual boxes.  I tried to keep it light.  Finally, she said, “I don’t know how to put that information into the computer so I will ask the doctor and come back.”

Yeah, well, I’m still trying to figure out how to put that information in my head so when you figure it out…let me know.  Words like “stillbirth,” “miscarriage,” “I’m sorry, I’m not finding a heartbeat…” they don’t compute easily, even after nearly 4 years.

Other than that, it went fine.  The doctor asked if I was on birth control…I laughed for a good minute or so and said, “no…”  She said, “oh, you figure if it happens, it happens?” 

Ah, no.  I figure if it happens AND sticks it will be a Christmas/Hannukah/New Years/Valentine’s Day/etc. miracle (seeing as how we finally have a living child, we only seem to “do it” on holidays….)

I think my 3 children are enough….

 

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I’m participating in Once A Mother‘s Friday Rainbow Baby Blog Rodeo, a place to celebrate the amazing children who have come into our lives after loss, and to strengthen our bond as a community of Rainbow parents.

Every Friday (that I remember it’s Friday and get here to post in time 🙂 )we can gather here to share our little ones’ triumphs, brag like the proud parents that we are, and yes … even own up to our epic fails in parenting (all in good fun of course).

Zoey is just amazing to me…she’s giggly and so incredibly mischievious…she loves to share her snacks with me, “Da-da” and the “Dohgs” (our two dogs who are ecstatic to have discovered that she’s got treats).  Her little personality is so fun to see as it changes almost daily.  She gets soooo frustrated that she’s not more mobile yet.  She scoots and pulls up but on her own, she’s not crawling forward or walking yet.  She’s so close though, you can just see it.  Put in her the walker?  Oh she’s a holy terror.  You can heard her coming down the hall…stomp, stomp, stomp…squeallllllllllll as she chases after the dogs….

I teared up last night as I realized that she will be a year old in less than 2 months.  That’s right.  The bay-bee that I never though would be is going to be a year old.   I’m so incredibly grateful everyday for her. 

I’m planning a first birthday party.  Me.  I’m her Mommy.  And I’m so damn lucky.

Zoey on a Fall day sporting her pink cape...she's my super baby!

This is the year of taking care of myself and I’m focusing on my health.  Along with $800 worth of dental work, I am long overdue for a trip to the Guy-nee…I was proudly telling a co-worker that I was going to a new doctor on Wednesday. 

Me: “I used to go to UNC because that’s where I went with the boys and then Zoey and they just knew me and my story and I didn’t have to tell them anything…oh crap….”

I stopped and looked at her and said quietly, “they are going to ask me about the boys…”  She put her hand on my back and said, “yes but you’ve told their story before, this is just one more time…”

How could I have forgotten?  Tomorrow I will have to navigate the waters of “How many times have you been pregnant?”  (Lots)  and “How many children do you have?” (Three – 1 living and 2 dead) with a complete and total stranger. 

And Oh. My. Dog.  Please don’t let there be the form with the teeny-tiny blanks and boxes that ask you all kinds of questions that people like me can’t answer without writing a dissertation or the answers make absolutely no sense…I once had a new nurse at UNC make me fill out a form (she didn’t know me from previous visits – she may have been a temp actually because I never saw her again).  Where it asked, “how many times have you been pregnant?”  I answered 6-7 times.  Where it asked, “how many children do you have?”  I answered zero.  She looked at me and said, “so what you are saying is that you’ve had several abortions?”  Sigh….

Can’t I just show my lostbabymama membership card and be done with it?  But no, I can’t.  Because even as I typed that, I remind myself I was lucky to be the boys Mommy.  I am lucky to have experienced all I experienced with them, even the bad.  I wouldn’t trade that time in my life – despite it being the worst thing to ever happen to me and Hubby – for anything.  I wish it had been different.  I wish that I had 2 little boys AND a little girl.  I wish my 3 year old sons were down the hall from their 10 month old sister but they aren’t.

But I don’t wish it didn’t happen and that’s the reason I can walk into the doctor’s office tomorrow and tell their story.

I got my first Halloween with my baby girl.  I remember thinking about this day after the boys died and how much I wanted to see my child dressed up for Halloween.  We didn’t take her out because it was wet and cold but she was dressed up all day for school and she loved seeing the kids dressed up when they came to the door.  She’s 10 months old.  I can’t believe it.  She’s 10 months old. 

It seems like I just had her.  I waited so long for her and the time is just moving so quickly – too quickly.  I want time to stop so I can just look at her.  I try not to look forward or backward but try to live in the moment now.  Previously, when I would look at her, a tiny voice would creep in and ask, “is that what the boys would have looked like at 6, 9, 10 months…”  I try not to get caught up in the day-to-day grind.  It’s so easy to come home and deal with the “have-tos…”  You know what, the schmidt will get done when it gets done.  I just try and live for today.  Oherwise, I get so incredibly sad to think about her brothers who aren’t here.  I’m still struck by how painful the loss pulls at me 3 years later.  In contrast, I’m so happy, grateful, blessed, ecstatic to be Zoey’s Mommy.

Here’s my little giraffe: